Facetious Musical Term Definitions

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Sometimes musical terms don't mean what you think they mean.

Sometimes people make up their own definitions.

Sometimes people post such lists.

My favorite is the last one.

Enjoy.

These are by San Francisco trumpeter Al Molina:

p- Piano- The neighbors have complained

f- Forte- The neighbors are out

ff- Fortissimo- Forget the neighbors

pp- Pianissimo- The neighbors and the police are at the door

Obbligato- Being forced to practice

Rit/Rall- Coming to the part you haven't practiced

Con Moto- Yeah baby, I have a car

Allegro- It's a little car

Metronome- Short, urban musician who can fit into a Honda Civic

Lento- The days leading up to Easto

Largo- Beer brewed in Germany or the Florida Keys

Piu Animato- Clean out the cat's litter box or it goes

Interval- Time to meet the other players at the bar

Perfect Interval- When the drinks are on the house

Cantabile- Singing while drunk

Con Spirito- Drunk again

Chords- Things organists play with one finger

Dischords- Things organists play with two fingers

Suspended Chords- Things to lynch the vocalist

Subdominate- "I can't play unless I've asked my wife"

Syncopation- Condition brought on by an overdose of jazz

Quaver- The feeling brought on when you haven't practiced

Key Signatures- Silly little things put into music to frighten you (ignore and they will go away, along with your audience)

Colla Voce- This shirt is so tight I can't sing

Professional- Anyone who can't hold down a steady job

Flats- English apartments

A tempo de cafe- Ah, coffee time!

Improvisation- What you do when the music falls down

Fugue- Clever stuff

Prelude- Warmup before the clever stuff

Acciaccatura/Appoggiatura- Insects

Opus- Exclamation made when the cat "decorates" the new rug

Virtuoso- A person who can work wonders with easy-play music

Melody- An ancient now-extinct art in songwriting

Music- Happiness